Half Dad, Half Misfit

Narcissists need attention of any kind, and learn that a surefire way to get attention is to create drama and conflict - arguments about pointless stuff. For example, a 33-word message about a bike day at school will go like this. There is a bike day at school next Thursday. [Son] doesn't want to take the girls bike you make him ride at your house. He can collect his bike from my house instead. That was a classic three part "bait sandwich" - did you see it? Opener: "There is a bike day at school next Thursday." Bait: "[Son] doesn't want to take the girls bike you make him ride at your house." Closer/Glory-seeking: "He can collect his bike from my house instead." The opener sets the stage, lulling you into a false sense of security. But the second sentence is the bait.  Instantly, after 15 years of abuse, you recoil to the defensive, with factual statements like: "I don't make him ride it!" "It's an old bike he has a...

And if you think that that grandparents or mutually respected friends may be able to help, well, you're fucked there, too: Targeted parents sense this trend and either enlist help from their village or merely support the effort individuals make to advise and correct the escalating behaviors and attitudes of alienated children. Alienated children are hypersensitive and hyper-vigilant to the tribal communities developing in a climate where the alienation virus spreads. They view the supportive people in the targeted parent’s village as a threat seeking to “social distance,” while seeing supportive others in the alienating parent’s village as safe with whom to “quarantine.” The targeted parent’s village grows wary and frustrated with the experience of social-distancing and may begin to angrily confront the children. The children—similarly to how they feel and respond to the rejected parent’s confrontations—end up feeling attacked and shamed by these social encounters. They begin to s...

From this article: Parental alienation can be difficult to recognize for anyone not experiencing it first-hand. It’s like a riptide: hidden and forceful. Rejected parents can find themselves struggling against a powerful force as it pulls them further and further from the relationship they once had with their children. They feel the resistance and fight against it. But the more they fight, the more exhausted they become. It seems as if there’s no one to appreciate how difficult it is to stay buoyant in these deceptively calm waters. They search for someone—anyone—to throw them a lifeline. The experience of being targeted by your co-parent is upsetting. But to be rejected and hated by your own child, feeling and watching them slip away, and fearing that you’ll never see them again, is like witnessing that child die a slow death. While they remain physically alive, they become increasingly emotionally dead to you. The radiant love in their eyes turns dark and vacuous and the joyous soun...

  I am so frustrated; it's a horrible game to play. It started before we separated and it just gets worse. The advice is all "don't give up" but it gets so hard; how do you cope when you are physically and emotionally pushed away every fucking time.  It feels like a game where: anything you do gets used against you and You Lose  anything you don't do gets used against you and You Lose,  and if you give up and stop playing, your Child Loses and You Lose And every time you get to spend with your child gets slowly eaten away: oh no, it's not on purpose, but it just 'happens' that your daughter gets a job which happens to be in the supermarket 200m from the mother's house, and 10km from your house, so it's "just easier if I sleep at mums all the time", oh no, it's not on purpose, but it just 'happens' to be that your one night a week you spend with your daughter, your daughter gets enrolled in her fifth sport of the week, ensu...

I've known this term "Parental Alienation" for a while, and been worrying about it but now looking into it to see if there are any strategies for mitigating it. This was a really interesting read on the topic: https://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/102708p26.shtml From the "eight manifestations", I scored 6/8 that were mostly true; the remaining 2/8 were only partially true. I'd been in denial about it really being a thing, I've just writing it off as being a nomal teenager, but now the reality has hit me. As I explore this topic, I'm sure I'll find more links of interest.

A book about becoming a blended family... covering the stereotypical wicked stepmother myths and the realities of blended families, as well as studies of other cultures outside of "The West" and parallels in the animal kingdom. Was interesting to hear multiple experiences of the problems with moving on when your Ex hasn't, and how your children may react.