Don't take the bait - don't feed them JADE!

Narcissists need attention of any kind, and learn that a surefire way to get attention is to create drama and conflict - arguments about pointless stuff.

For example, a 33-word message about a bike day at school will go like this.

There is a bike day at school next Thursday. [Son] doesn't want to take the girls bike you make him ride at your house. He can collect his bike from my house instead.

That was a classic three part "bait sandwich" - did you see it?

• Opener: "There is a bike day at school next Thursday."
• Bait: "[Son] doesn't want to take the girls bike you make him ride at your house."
• Closer/Glory-seeking: "He can collect his bike from my house instead."

The opener sets the stage, lulling you into a false sense of security.

But the second sentence is the bait. 

Instantly, after 15 years of abuse, you recoil to the defensive, with factual statements like:

• "I don't make him ride it!"
• "It's an old bike he has already outgrown!"
• "I keep asking him NOT to ride it, because I'm selling it"
• "It's so old, the pink bits have faded to white anyway"
• "He has his own, perfectly fine, bike at my house"
• "I'm actually selling that bike, and he just keeps riding it because it's at the front of the garage waiting for deadbeat Facebook Marketplace buyers who never come."
• "He only tells you these lies because he knows it's the kind of stuff you want to hear to assist with your ongoing campaign of Parental Alienation"

Look how many words they got back for their short message! 102 words! That's a 3:1 Bait-to-JADE ratio - they get three times the satisfaction out than they put in.

The closer makes it even more stressful - they are offering a solution to a problem that doesn't exist! They are acting the hero when there was no rescue needed. (I should post something on the Drama Triangle soon, I guess)

They have triggered the JADE response:

• Justify
• Argue
• Defend
• Explain

You want to tell your side of the story - you are a reasonable person being painted as a villain who FORCES a BOY to ride a GIRLS BIKE! (Let's not even get into toxic gender stereotypes here!) But you're not the villain, if only you could tell your side of the story, they'd understand!

But to paraphrase Upton Sinclair:

"It is difficult to get a narcissist to understand something when their desire for conflict depends upon not understanding it."

So, you have to refuse to feed them the JADE they so desperately crave.

In a situation like this, the best you can do is wait as long as possible; 12 to 24 hours in this case, and then reply with:

Imagine how frustrating that must be for them - they were expecting a feast of glory and thanks for doing something no-one asked them to do, to solve a problem that never existed, with a side helping of JADE to make it taste even better. And all they got was you clicking the "thumbs up" button.

That's a 0.03:1 Bait-to-JADE ratio - for all those words they invested into the drama, they only got one click out! How is that worth investing effort into?

Yes, you're going to get labelled an ungrateful, selfish asshole. Possibly they'll even post a Facebook post that night with more bait to try and get some guilt or an apology instead, maybe something like:

Anyway, refuse to take the bait.

Starve the narcissist and let them look for a new drama supply somewhere else.