You Will Piss In A Toaster

“Piss in a toaster” is a term for something technical-sounding that’s been promised to the CEO, that is pointless, wasteful, very risky, burns out your staff and offers no benefits to anyone.

It sounds like such a simple request, so middle management feels shy about asking too many questions about why exactly it needs to be done in case they get targeted in the next restructure, and just to make sure it's done.

Then once it’s promised, no wants to ask the CEO why it needs to be done in case they look dumb.

Here are some of the things you will hear from the manager who has told the CEO that you will piss in a toaster for them:

  • “I told the CEO we can piss in a toaster for $1000. I’ve done the hard part of researching it. Now you just need to piss in the toaster by next Tuesday!”
  • “I looked online, and ordered a toaster off Amazon for $20. Why won’t you just piss in the toaster for the CEO?”
  • “The CEO is always right! Just piss in the toaster.”
  • “What if I get one of those 4 slice toasters? Or one of those fancy continuous conveyor belt ones like they have in hotels?”
  • “Could you piss in a panini maker instead?”
  • “I’m working with HR on this because you are making me look bad in front of the CEO by not pissing in the toaster!”
  • “I’ve read a Gartner Whitepaper and pissing in toasters is an industry trend; customers will be asking us to do this, so let’s get ahead of the curve.”
  • “I know that no-one else in the market is pissing in toasters: it gives us a unique value proposition.”
  • “I don’t have the skills to piss in the toaster myself, I need you techies to just plug it in and do it.”
  • “No! We can’t just pretend we already pissed in the toaster. The CEO wants to come over and see a live demo on Tuesday.”

Then it comes down to standing by your principles and being fired for refusing to piss in the toaster, or just pissing in the toaster so you can pay the mortgage and feed the kids. So you piss in the toaster.

The next time you don’t even argue about pissing in the toaster.

As George Orwell would have said, “If you want a vision of the future, imagine someone pissing into a toaster — forever.”

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